I haven’t been taking my medication lately. I’m not going to lie, it is taking its toll on me. On Saturday morning I awoke at 10am, did a work out that would kill most normal human beings, put my make up on, said goodbye to several of my wives and made that incredible journey to Portsmouth that uses a train, a boat and a taxi. It is 5 miles away after all. On route I picked up my assistant Ben Farrelly. He would be taking some images for me as photography is below me, I haven’t got much time for him, but `needs must’ as they say. He gets on my nerves but at least he is a handsome prick, and although he wouldn’t take anywhere near enough photographs, some is better than none.
On arriving in Portsmouth, I noticed a talented busker outside the train station blasting out a comedy spoken word set to a couple of dozen people that had gathered to listen. To show my support I whooped, cheered and laughed heartily out loud, Ben then explained to me that it wasn’t the spoken word this guy was doing, he was passionately trying to raise money for a local children’s charity, it was clear the locals were not impressed so I made my escape by jumping over a wall, finding myself in Gunwharf Quays. I had an hour to kill, so as all tough ninjas do, I got Ben to take some photos of me in ladies underwear in the Karen Millen clothing outlet, I looked stunning, Ben agreed.
A taxi ride later and I arrived at the Mountbatten Centre, as expected I was quickly surrounded and pestered for my autograph, or it was one security dude asking me for my ticket? I can’t remember, it didn’t matter as I still felt sexy from wearing the underwear.
After a quick catch up with the Cage Warriors Bantam Weight champion Bradley Wharton I made my way to my seat, I had a great view for the fights so I have no excuse to not be able to accurately describe the fights, except I was drinking beer and got very drunk.
The flames along the fighters walk out mushroomed into the air, lighting up 2 security guards and killing them slowly as they writhed and screamed in agony, the crowd chuckled to themselves, the first fighter made his way out – Shock n Awe 24 had begun.
(WARNING) What follows is the most pointless and vague excuse of a fight card write up that you will ever witness, due to the mental state of the South Coast Watch we cannot promise that any of it is in anyway accurate. In all honesty, I wouldn’t read past this point, unless of course you want to look at the pretty images by Ben, but those are also pointless and have zero significance to the article. They are literally just photos of people at the event, what was he playing at?
As it is 9 out of 10 times, Shock n Awe opened to an exciting fight, both Charlie Riccard and Scott Smith decided to go full bollocks at each other and set the tone for the evening. It was a great scrap that saw Riccard take the unanimous decision, but I’m sure both fellas will be happy with their showings.
Ed Sheehan (No relation to Ed Sheeran) threw everything but the kitchen sink at Keiran Loveday, a couple of submissions came close but Loveday survived just long enough to get TKO’d in the third round, entertaining stuff.
A little bit further up the card Ollie Southern and Tommy Clarke decided to take the machetes to each other, a fantastic back and forth battle ensued which resulted in them both leaving pieces of each other all over the cage. Southern took the split decision but both men impressed the audience.
James Wark really showed off his potential this time round after his inability to get loose at his last showing. Much more relaxed and focused he looked like a real GYM 01 monster as he traded blows with Jamie George. Good movement, heavy strikes and communication with his corner saw him take the UD against a game opponent. I’m really looking forward to seeing him get in there again.
Alex Maxwell decided to kick his opponent Pawel Czyzewki’s head clean off midway through the first round, it was an exciting early finish to a do or die fight that left the audience stunned.
Anthony Jackody made an impression and left a line under his name highlighting himself as one to keep an eye on. Slick moves, confidence and a powerful jab saw him overwhelm young Max Renouf who looked like he had a few moves of his own. Good reffing from Clive Allison as he noticed Renouf was stunned, he stepped in before any more damage could be done leaving Jackody with a TKO finish.
My god that Cameron Hardy is a handsome man, I almost dread watching him fight in case his face gets messed up. Luckily, he keeps smashing his way to victory very quickly and this time was no different as he cleaned the clock of Denny Sheehan (No relation to Ed Sheeran) in just under 3 minutes. Another head kick maybe?
Noredine Nedjai is a bit of a beast, I have already spoken of his athleticism in the past, but he looks more and more like a pro fighter every time I see him. This time he blasted through his opponent Jake McEvoy in just over 2 minutes with a rear naked choke. We need more Nedjai!
The return of the King!
Phil `Billy’ Harris returned to the cage in front of a packed out Shock n Awe audience, and the welcome from the crowd was spectacular. This wasn’t to be an MMA bout though as Harris has retired from punching people in the brain, this was a grappling match up, a mixture of jew jiffs sews and wrasslin. Not totally aware of the structure I asked the guy next to me what are the rules? In great detail he told me they got to strangle each other until the ref steps in. Billy’s opponent would be Jack Sear from 10th Planet in London, looking confident he stretched and did all that other stuff Jiu Jitsu guys do as he awaited the arrival of Harris.
It would be a very dominant performance from Harris as he controlled the 7 minutes odd it took him to find the armbar finish, but to his credit Sear made it a complicated affair. Spinning around on the canvas doing the Electric Boogaloo he was able to keep Harris thinking, and launch his own attacks. He also bravely defended himself on the canvas for long claustrophobic periods of time as Harris continued to source his submissions. When he was able to frustrate Phil into letting go of what he was looking for, Sear would bum shuffle towards his opponent to engage again, the bum shuffling being a very wise game plan due to Harris’s Judo pedigree and talent for throwing dudes on their neck.
Kilvington Vs. Hoye
Well we all knew this was going to be a great scrap, and it lived up to it as well as Ashley Kilvington and Elliot Hoye (No relation to Ed Sheeran) did battle for the Shock n Awe flyweight title. Throughout the fight Kilvington proved to be the physically stronger of the two men, but skill wise it was a crazy tussle between both guys, from the cage walls to the canvas both warriors displayed wonderful and diverse technique as they pushed forward looking for any available advantage. This fight looked absolutely nothing like an amateur fight should as the strikes, take-downs, sweeps and submission attempts were as refined as could be. Kilvington took the UD as well as the belt home, but Hoye made him work hard for that achievement. Fantastic fight fellas.
The Great WIght Hype.
Alex Box came storming over to Portsmouth determined to take the amateur featherweight title back to the Isle of Wight with him, unfortunately it wasn’t to be, his opponent the champion Alex Bodnar forgot to bring it to the venue. lol
Over the past couple of years, anybody that knows Box will know what this title fight on Shock n Awe means to him. When he got the call to tell him the opportunity was awaiting, he went to work. A disciplined diet and intelligent training saw him through the next three months, at the final line the undefeated Alex Bodnar waited.
Both men have aggressive styles so they did not hang about, kicks and punches were thrown from all angles and they soon ended up pretzeld on the canvas still taking swings at each other. Into the second round and the dog fight continued, Box seemed to have the advantage but the third round loomed, a round that Bodnar has the habit of flourishing in. Undaunted by the third stanza Box continued to press, as they fell to the canvas once again Box quickly inched Bodnar into a triangle. Bravely refusing to tap the referee felt the stoppage was required, the Isle of Wight had its first domestic martial arts champion, but for now the champ will have to wait for the delivery of his belt.
The Papua New Guinea Wedding
How would I describe the fight between Mike Daguiar and Kane Goldup? Easy peasy, it was a Papua New Guinea wedding. Firstly they gently courted each other, then they engaged, then Daguiar took his leg off and ate it in the center of the cage. Reverend Chris Batcheldor lead a beautiful service, and we are sure Graham Finneys wedding photos will be beautiful.
Nicholas Fielding defeated Andrew Mendes due to a disqualification because he wouldn’t stop pointing his fingers at his eyes. Fielding was looking forward to a serious challenge and was left looking even more frustrated than Mendes. I’m not sure if something was lost in translation but after being warned time and again and even having points deducted Mendes just wouldn’t change his hand formation. A bad habit that needs to be ironed out maybe.
Sophie Langsford brought the muscles and MMA legend Jess Liaudin to Shock n Awe, between the three of them they were a hell of a package. Jade Barker was waiting for her and the pair of them went at it with gusto. Now Shock n Awe is well known for its fantastic female mixed martial arts match ups, and this fight would be no different. The crowd held their breath throughout the first round as Langsford threatened with ground and pound and Jade with heel hooks, but the full extent of Sophies talent didn’t fully bubble up until the second round when it become apparent what a dangerous athlete she is. After forcing herself into full mount, Langsford started landing nasty elbows rendering Barker asunder, the fight was over.
Welsh fighter Tyler Thomas shut a lot of people up on Saturday night, myself included. Many, myself included felt that the rising star Chris Tallis would make short work of the always game Thomas, Thomas had other ideas and brought his A game to the Mountbatten Centre. It was looking like a stalemate with both fighters looking for the edge, as Tallis swung in a big elbow he was pipped to it by an elbow of Tylers own. A cut appeared on Chris and he seemed a tad stunned, but he got his head down and forced his way through to a unanimous decision. If one thing was made clear to Chris, it is that the pro leagues are going to be full of surprises. Nasty, violent, bleeding surprises.
The Final Fight:
Unfortunately due to things outside of my control, (Ferry times) I was forced to leave the arena and miss the headline title bout between Andy Kerr and Chay Ingram, luckily I am aware of the final result, so what follows is how I imagined the final act of the show went down. Some of these aspects of the fight, may, or may not have happened.
First to arrive in the cage was Chay Ingram, his walk to the cage was a spectacle due to the fact he rode in on a real life unicorn and wore a priceless diamond crusted crown on his head. Not to be outdone a gold painted Andy Kerr flew down to the cage amazingly not on wires, how did he do it? The power of flight of course.
After Bruce Buffer introduced both fighters, the bell rang and the bout started. Andy Kerr stormed across the cage jumping several feet into the air and landed a beautiful superman punch, on impact a stunning rainbow that scorched the retinas of the first three rows of the audience formed above the cage. The force of the blow slammed Chay into the cage, although he had been hit much worse in the past he knew Andy had the advantage, reaching through the cage wall he grabbed the back leg of his unicorn tearing it completely off, swinging it like a bat he aimed for and landed a blow to Kerr’s head taking him off his feet, and causing a sonic boom that took a wall down at the back of the arena.
Both men pulled spears and nets out of nowhere and circled each other like a scene from Ben Hur, Chay struck first piercing his spear straight through Kerr’s thigh, Kerr looked him in the eye and laughed, `Is that all you have’, he laughed. Swapping his spear for a two handed sword Kerr started to swing the web of death, a swift strike took Chay’s right hand cleanly off, much to Kerr’s shock another hand instantly regrew in its place.
Both men agreed that a dance off was the only way to settle this battle, Chay started with a windmill and slipped effortlessly into a moonwalk that was so glorious both corner teams burst into tears of joy, but he had fallen into Kerr’s trap. As swift as a badger, Andy jumped on Ingram hooking in a standing guillotine, the effort from the moonwalk had left him exhausted and he was forced to tap.
Both men were paid handsomely with a million pounds each, outside the venue they met a kindly old man that sold them some magic beans each for their winning wages.
That man was me in disguise, now I really must get home and get my medication.
On the ferry home I am sat with Alex Box who is sat their with his proud girlfriend. “Congratulations Alex” I told him, “will you be celebrating?” I continued. “Of course I will” Alex replied, “I’m having a spaghetti bolognese tomorrow night” he said with a smile and a far away look in his eye.
Bless his soul.